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Borderlines And The Terror Of Need
The Difficulty of Being Needed
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Why are borderlines terrified of being needed? Why does it feel unsafe to need anything from anyone else? A look at why borderlines continue to look to others - loved ones, family members, or relationship partners - non borderlines - to meet their needs and at why many fear being needed by others.

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A non-borderline responding to a previous article I've written said and asked the following:

"You said in a previous article that anyone close to you: terrified you, triggered you, seemed to need you, and made you feel like you could treat them they way your family treated you. I understand all of the above, EXCEPT the fear or discomfort of someone 'needing you'. Why is that uncomfortable? What does that mean to a borderline to be needed? A.J.? This has always taken me for a loop."

Firstly, yes, in the past, if anyone managed to get close to me it did terrify me. It also did trigger me. It did not "make me feel" that I could treat them as I had my family. It rather, in a dissociative sense, FELT so much like my family of origin that I would just regress to past behaviour -- largely, behaviour of not only a young age but also behaviour that was all I knew in the past in terms of how to relate to anyone who was close.

Secondly, I was only close to rather "needy" people. I, myself was very needy, as were those in my family of origin. Therefore, this reality also set up a pattern of both expectation and behaviour on my part. I expected to be "used", "manipulated", and "lied to" -- this happened. Of course I was also using, manipulating and lying to others.

I did not have any boundaries, or limits or any sense of what boundaries and limits were or were for. This left me even more open and vulnerable to the abuses of those around me. As I was extremely dysfunctional so to were the people that I came to know. I came to realize some years ago that using, manipulating, and lying all had to do with attempts to protect and take care of myself -- much as I do now with boundaries and limits and honesty. Though, for most borderlines in the throes of active BPD, without boundaries there is little to no true awareness of actual "self". It is this lack of a known self that so often puts those with BPD in a no-win situation that they project out onto loved ones and that trap them in between the rock and hard place of BPD. This also leads one to act in ways that one may later realize are not in line with their authentic self -- who they really are and what they value -- how they want to treat others and how they want to be treated by others.

For me, when I was borderline, being needed or God forbid, being counted on terrified me because I was very inconsistent and unable to be there for me. I need me and could not take care of myself -- though I was not aware of this in the past a major part of what scared me about others needing me was how much I needed them because I didn't have me.

Also, when I was borderline and needy and unaware of who my "self" really was needing someone would echo my past when I needed my mother. My mother was never there for me emotionally and she was very abusive. So in my mind -- subconsciously, even, need = I'm going to get it - I'm going to be abused - I'm setting myself up for more pain -- I will be deserted and unloved -- I am not worthy of needing or being needed.

Being needy is also equated for most borderlines as being controlled. (More often than not the control is perceived and is being dissociatively re-experienced by the borderline -- as opposed to actual control being exerted upon them in the present) Once a borderline feels even a hint of being controlled they will usually present a tremendous amount of resistance -- push/pull. Borderlines have a terror of being needed because they need so much that they did not get in healthy and consistent ways as children.

Disorders - Borderline Personality Disorder