Combining Two Unhealthy Conditions

The combination of "Stockholm Syndrome" and "cognitive dissonance" produces a victim who firmly believes the relationship is not only acceptable, but also desperately needed for their survival. The victim feels they would mentally collapse if the relationship ended. In long-term relationships, the victims have invested everything and placed "all their eggs in one basket". The relationship now decides their level of self-esteem, self-worth, and emotional health.

For reasons described above, the victim feels family and friends are a threat to the relationship and eventually to their personal health and existence. The more family/friends protest the controlling and abusive nature of the relationship, the more the victim develops cognitive dissonance and becomes defensive. At this point, family and friends become victims of the abusive and controlling individual.

Importantly, both Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance develop on an involuntary basis. The victim does not purposely invent this attitude. Both develop as an attempt to exist and survive in a threatening and controlling environment and relationship. Despite what we might think, our loved one is not in the unhealthy relationship to irritate, embarrass, or drive us to drink. What might have began as a normal relationship has turned into a controlling and abusive situation. They are trying to survive. Their personality is developing the feelings and thoughts needed to survive the situation and lower their emotional and physical risks. All of us have developed attitudes and feelings that help us accept and survive situations. We have these attitudes/feelings about our jobs, our community, and other aspects of our life. As we have found throughout history, the more dysfunctional the situation, the more dysfunctional our adaptation and thoughts to survive. The victim is engaged in an attempt to survive and make a relationship work. Once they decide it doesn't work and can't be fixed, they will need our support as we patiently await their decision to return to a healthy and positive lifestyle.

Family and Friends of the Victim

When a family is confronted with a loved one involved with a Loser or controlling/abusive individual, the situation becomes emotionally painful and socially difficult for the family. While each situation is different, some general guidelines to consider are:

• Your loved one, the "victim" of the Loser/Abuser, has probably been given a choice - the relationship or the family. This choice is made more difficult by the control and intimidation often present in abusive/controlling relationships. Knowing that choosing the family will result in severe personal and social consequences, the family always comes in second. Keep in mind that the victim knows in their heart the family will always love them and accept their return – whenever the return happens.
• Remember, the more you pressure the "victim" of the Loser/Abuser, the more you prove the their point. Your loved one is being told the family is trying to ruin their wonderful relationship. Pressure in the form of contacts, comments, and communications will be used as evidence against you. An invitation to a Tupperware party is met with "You see! They just want to get you by yourself so they can tell you bad things about me!" Increasing your contacts is viewed as "putting pressure" on their relationship – not being lovingly concerned.
• Your contacts with your loved one, no matter how routine and loving, may be met with anger and resentment. This is because each contact may prompt the Loser/Abuser to attack them verbally or emotionally. Imagine getting a four-hour lecture every time your Aunt Gladys calls. In a short time, you become angry each time she calls, knowing what the contact will produce in your home. The longer Aunt Gladys talks – the longer your lecture becomes! Thus, when Aunt Gladys calls, you want to get her off the phone as quickly as possible.
• The 1980's song, "Hold on Loosely", maybe the key to a good family and friend approach. Holding on too tight produces more pressure. When the victim is out of the home, it's often best to establish predictable, scheduled contacts. Calling every Wednesday evening, just for a status report or to go over current events, is less threatening than random calls during the week. Random calls are always viewed as "checking up on us" calls. While you may encounter an answering machine, leave a polite and loving message. Importantly, don't discuss the relationship (the controller may be listening!) unless the victim brings it up. The goal of these scheduled calls is to maintain contact, remind your loved one that you are always there to help, and to quietly remind the controller that family and loved ones are nearby and haven't disappeared.
• Try to maintain traditional and special contacts with your loved one - holidays, special occasions, etc. Keep your contacts short and brief, with no comments that can be used as evidence. Contacts made at "traditional" times – holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. – are not as threatening to a controller/abuser. Contacts that provide information, but not questions, are also not as threatening. An example might be a simple card reading "Just a note to let you know that your brother landed a new job this week. You might see him on a Wal-Mart commercial any day now. Love, Mom and Dad". This approach allows the victim to recognize that the family is there - waiting in the wings if needed. It also lessens the lectures/tantrums provided by the Loser as the contacts are on a traditional and expected basis. It's also hard to be angry about brother's new job without looking ridiculous. Also, don't invent holidays or send a reminder that it's Sigmund Freud's birthday. That's suspicious…even in my family.
• Remember that there are many channels of communication. It's important that we keep a channel open if at all possible. Communication channels might include phone calls, letters, cards, and e-mail. Scheduled monthly shopping trips or outings are helpful if possible. The goal is to maintain contact while your loved one is involved in the controlling/abusive relationship. Remember, the goal is contact, not pressure.
• Don't feel the victim's behavior is against the family or friends. It may be a form of survival or a way of lowering stress. Victims may be very resistive, angry, and even hostile due to the complexity of their relationship with the controller/abuser. They may even curse, threaten, and accuse loved ones and friends. This hostile defensiveness is actually self-protection in the relationship – an attempt to avoid "trouble".
• The victim needs to know and feel they are not rejected because of their behavior. Keep in mind, they are painfully aware of their situation. They know they are being treated badly and/or controlled by their partner. Frequent reminders of this will only make them want less contact. We naturally avoid people who remind us of things or situations that are emotionally painful.
• Victims may slightly open the door and provide information about their relationship or hint they may be considering leaving. When the door opens, don't jump through with the Marines behind you! Listen and simply offer support such as "You know your family is behind any decision you need to make and at any time you make it." They may be exploring what support is available but may not be ready to call in the troops just yet. Many victims use an "exit plan" that may take months or even years to complete. They may be gathering information at this point, not yet ready for an exit.
• We can get messages to people in two ways - the pipeline and the grapevine. The pipeline is face-to-face, telling the person directly. This seldom happens in Loser situations as controllers and abusers monitor and control contacts with others. However, the grapevine is still open. When we use the grapevine, we send a message to our loved one through another person. Victims of controlling and abusive individuals are often allowed to maintain a relationship with a few people, perhaps a sibling or best friend. We can send our loved one a message through that contact person, a message that voices our understanding and support. We don't send insults ("Bill is such a jerk!) or put-downs ("If he doesn't get out of this relationship he'll end up crazy!) - we send messages of love and support. We send "I hope she/he (victim) knows the family is concerned and that we love and support them." Comments sent on the grapevine are phrased with the understanding that our loved one will hear them in that manner. Don't talk with a grapevine contact to express anger and threaten to hire a hit man, and then try to send a message of loving support. Be careful what and how the message is provided. The grapevine contact can often get messages to the victim when we can't. It's another way of letting them know we're supporting them, just waiting to help if and when needed.
• Each situation is different. The family may need to seek counseling support in the community. A family consultation with a mental health professional or attorney may be helpful if the situation becomes legally complex or there is a significant danger of harm.
• As relatives or friends of a victim involved with a controller or abuser, our normal reaction is to consider dramatic action. We become angry, resentful, and aggressive at times. Our mind fills with a variety of plans that often range from rescue and kidnapping to ambushing the controller/abuser with a ball bat. A rule of thumb is that any aggression toward the controller/abuser will result in additional difficulties for your loved one. Try to remain calm and await an opportunity to show your love and support when your loved one needs it.
• In some cases, as in teenagers and young adults, the family may still provide some financial, insurance, or other support. When we receive angry responses to our phone calls, our anger and resentment tells us to cut off their support. I've heard "If she's going to date that jerk, it's not going to be in a car I'm paying for!" and "If he's choosing that woman over his family, he can drop out of college and flip hamburgers!" Withdrawing financial support only makes your loved one more dependent upon the controller/abuser. Remember, if we're aggressive by threatening, withdrawing support, or pressuring – we become the threatening force, not the controller/abuser. It actually moves the victim into the support of the controller. Sadly, the more of an "ordeal" they experience, the more bonding takes place as noted in Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance.
• As you might imagine, the combination of Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance may also be active when our loved one is involved in cults, unusual religions, and other groups. In some situations, the abuser and controller is actually a group or organization. Victims are punished if they are viewed as disloyal to the group. While this article deals with individual relationships, the family guidelines may be helpful in controlling-group situations.

Final Thoughts

You may be the victim of a controlling and abusive partner, seeking an understanding of your feelings and attitudes. You may have a son, daughter, or friend currently involved with a controlling and abusive partner, looking for ways to understand and help.

If a loved one is involved with a Loser, a controlling and abusing partner, the long-term outcome is difficult to determine due to the many factors involved. If their relationship is in the "dating" phase, they may end the relationship on their own. If the relationship has continued for over a year, they may require support and an exit plan before ending the relationship. Marriage and children further complicates their ability to leave the situation. When the victim decides to end the unhappy relationship, it's important that they view loved ones as supportive, loving, and understanding – not a source of pressure, guilt, or aggression.

This article is an attempt to understand the complex feelings and attitudes that are as puzzling to the victim as they are to family and friends. I've outlined recommendations for detaching from a Loser or controlling/abusive individual (www.drjoecarver.com) but clearly, there are more victims in this situation. It is hoped this article is helpful to family and friends who worry, cry, and have difficulty understanding the situation of their loved one. It has been said that knowledge is power. Hopefully this knowledge will prove helpful and powerful to victims and their loved ones.

Please consider this article as a general guideline. Some recommendations may be appropriate and helpful while some may not apply to a specific situation. In many cases, we may need additional professional help of a mental health or legal nature.

Written by :

Dr Carver

 

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Comments (14)

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I know someone who is going through this to a "T"

This describes someone I know to perfection. I have tried to help them, but nothing I say works. Yhe abuser has this person nearly destroyed, their self-respect is gone, they insist they hate their abuser and would do anything to get away from them, but when I give suggestions on how, they scream at me.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR EXPLANATION!

VICTIM'S MOM , July 16, 2009

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Our Youngest Daughter...

Your article is well written and gives hope.

Our youngest daughter is in a realtionship like this. We fell into some of the traps you warn against. Your advice is sound and goes well with the book "Barbara Come Back" by Pastor C.J. Miller & Barbara Miller Juliani.

May God Bless.
JK

JK Sott , September 01, 2009

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So What Do You Do Next?

Thank you for your article. As a victim, what do you do next? I have left but it's been over a year and I still think about him, still miss him, etc. I know its wrong! I have read all the article, seen a professional, etc and no one can tell me how to stop it, how to move on, etc.

Anonymous Victim , September 11, 2009

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...

Our daughter is living in an abusive relationship that describes probably every sinero in this artical. Only she has two children who are also victims. This same abuser, their father molested them, our daughter faught for them for 2 yrs and then the attorneys put them into the same room together and from then on she started defending him and now has remarried him. Children and Families didn't feel when it all first came down that there was enough evidence, so now my grandchildren seem to me to have stockholms as well. They are only 10 and 6, but i don't think they'll ever speak out again. I'm frustrated and really angry at the System for not helping them. I've done all i can do and now she want let us see the kids... I don't know if going to the Justice Coalition will do any good, but that was my next step. How is this diagnosed and can help be forced?

Gingerkennedy , October 02, 2009

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spanking

When I hear adults say that it was a good thing that they were spanked as a child, I am certain that they are exhibiting Stockholm Syndrome.

everettattebury , November 30, 2009

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...

Superb article, well written and very valuable. Just a few thoughts, and a question. I (age 56, Male, white, jewish upbringing college ed) come from the background of having been the victim of emotional abuse by my partner for many years, (no kids thank god), the causes of her behaviour being largely rooted in her mothers behaviour to her, the damage expressing itself in anorexia (later bulimia), and alcoholism. Unsurprisingly she was depressed, and attempted suicide on more than one occasion. I never defended or justified her actions (as described in the article),but would conceal her behaviour and the damage it was doing to me from friends and family so far as possible. I fell into the pattern / trap of believing that were I to be able to understand her, I could help her resolve her issues, and thus make my life happier; even happy.. Her issues, and the behaviour it generated effectively overwhelmed not just my self of self esteem (as described by Dr Carver); but more fundementally my Identity and raison d'etre, I was dominated /overwhelmed by the need to understand her. The fact that I knew this to be an impossibility did not stop me. She once said, "But if I'm not a Bulemic, what will I be"? My sense of self was tied to her damage in the same way as hers.

As with so many hostage situations it transformed violently. She fell downstairs with a litre of Vodka inside her, smashed her skull and needed a partial lobotomy. Self discharged, and largely recovered she did the same again 18 months later, this time causing much more serious brain damage. Now, most of her memories are restored but she has the processsing ability and effective intelligence of a seven year old. She resides in a specialist brain injury hostel a few miles away.

And 3 years later the ties that bind me to her are as strong as ever, I justify it by telling myself that I cannot remove from her the only thing in the world she has left, -me! Dr Carver states, in my case rightly, "In the final analysis, emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation".
However this does not explain the comments such as
"I know what he's done to me, but I still love him", "I don't know why, but I want him back", or "I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her". Or why I still try and emotionally support Jenny, although were she to be sent home (not under consideration) she would be returned to an empty house!

I have no difficulty accepting the explanation that bonding is a positive benefit for the victim in adapting him/herself to survive the abusive aspects of the relationship. However I find it difficult to accept that explanation for the effect continuing for years after the victim has escaped or been rescued (especially if violently), and particularly if as in my situation the victim didn't justify or defend the behaviour of the abuser. My childhood didn't imprint me with the idea that an abusive or violent relationship was the norm. Remember, the abuser no longer exists if he /she is not in that relationship with the abused. Or am I in denial? If anyone can direct me to other articles or theories on this I would be grateful. Paul

Paul Ashleigh , January 09, 2010 | url

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BPD

Having left my abusive relationship after nearly 4 years, i have cried for the first time whilst reading this article as it mirrored my experience,,,, a sense of hope will emerge. Carolyn

Carolyn Bridget , February 18, 2010 | url

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controlling ex's

Hi, I am very inspired by your article, do you have an email address so I can ask your advice? My girlfriend jenny told me she had started seeing a controlling ex 2 weeks ago. She said she was just weak and lonely and hated her self for doing it. I forgave her, we spent all that week together . Last week he must of rang her and being scared she back with him, he assaulted me last week. It was clear that he never knew she has been with me. This guy gave her the creps from day one, all those years ago when they first met, she was trying to get out of a 9 year bad relationship, and he was just always around so she ended up using him to get away from the 9 year ex.
The Jenny met me 3 years ago, and didn’t tell me she was with another guy for fear of loosing me, i found out by walking in to her mates home, she and he was there. He stormed off, never to return, until a few months ago. He had threaten to kill us if he ever saw us again, Jenny’s uncle had to have word with this guy.
My question is, why would a girl after telling me al last week go back again with this guy when she has always said, he is ugly (which he is), poor job, horrible home, horrible parents, horrible negative outlook, punches and breaks her wing mirror on car, gets into road range – this list is endless, I on the other had am the total opposite. She said to me a few months ago she pushes me away at times as she scared of loosing me because of the way I treat her and look after her. Does jenny feel she is safer with someone who she hates so if he left her she wouldn’t be upset, whereas if it was me, she would? Does she display a sense that ‘ this guy was there to help me out of a 9 year relationship, so he ok’, when in fact she hates him, but because he does nothing for her and treats her horrible, she can deal with more than me who really does treat her like princess. Her parents divorced when she was 12, she is now 29, but never discussed it – she is not used to people being nice to her.

mark o'leary , March 10, 2010

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daughter of a victim

really, this nearly made me cry at points. it makes me feel bad, because my dad got married to a girl that hates me, near literally. he's been getting worse, and now i think i know why. i've wanted to stop going over, because i get criticized, and such, always being judged. and now i feel bad, because i've nearly cut all ties with him, because it has been so hard on me. around the worst timing of this, i also had some other troubles, but... and now i'm thinking i'm a bad person, for abandoning my dad. i'm not sure how to help it now, but at least now i might have somewhere to go. but sitll, i'm only fifteen. i doubt i can do ANYTHING, after all, i'm still technically a 'kid' so i doubt i can actually do anything. how can i, someone less than half the 'victims' age, help him? could you have some advice for that, please?

Beth y , March 11, 2010

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this has explained why I feel the way I Do

Thank you so much for this article.although it has only been 7 weeks since I got out of the 6 and half year relationship it has given me insight as to why I feel the way I do about him. I only found out the other day that he has been dating someone else for the past 3 weeks and it just about killed me and I didnt know why. Now I know why and know what to do about it. Thank you again.

recovering , March 29, 2010

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each day a gift

The article was certainly enlightening. Sadly, it contained situations that has unknowingly paralleled my life for the last 43 years. As a young married couple with four small children, my wife and I were struggling to have the perfect family. I worked two and three jobs to pay the bills, completed my masters degree and did all the things we thought a typical family should do; church, family and community activities, etc. However, my wife began to demonstrate psychological problems (she had had some trauma as a youth with her family). I searched and eventually took her to the best mental health services in the state, St. Joseph's Mental Center. After over forty years, I recently discovered that she has had a romantic relationship with the counselor who first treated her 43 years ago. He physically, emotionally, and sexually abused her all these years as we continued to raise our children. Never did she fail to come home at night, but most days of the week she saw him. He took her money (my money) her 401 K, had her purchase houses and apartments so he could meet her. The family discovered pornography, and crimes that he had used her in, such as shoplifting, as well as abused her physically. Neither I, her husband or any of her grown children, could understand how she could continue this kind of relationship for all these years. It's as if she had two complete personalities: one the grandmother and mother, christian, homemaker; and the other the person with a terrible character, willing to do anything for a man that represented all the qualities of character she despised. The article has helped us understand. We now are working with the police, a private investigator, and a lawyer to ultimately hold this despicable person accountable for his moral and ethical depravity. Thanks so much.

jim , April 23, 2010 | url

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Wish I Read This 20 Years Ago!

I entered into a relationship 21 years ago that reflects almost everything the article describes. I "rescued" Mr. Abusive Controller from his life on the streets or in jail, eager to help him reach his potential. Ha! No one had ever hit me before and I was baffled but determined my love and support would transform him into the person I believed was hiding behind all the rage and hostility and abuse of every form (all attributable to his rotten childhood). I got pregnant, we married, we divorced, yet continued an insane relationship for 17 years (and I even supported him financially!). He tried to kill me one time too many and I just couldn't engage in the habitual kiss-and-make-up routine again. I could no longer deny that investing my life in this man had no ultimate reward or pay-off and I didn't become a better person for everything I sacrificed for his benefit. I refused all contact from him for three years (still secretly hoping he would return one day as a normal human being and we'd live happily ever after). Then I got a call from the Medical Examiner's office and they needed a body identified. Guess who, folks? Dead at the age of 48 from an overdose of meth. I have struggled for years with forgiving myself for getting involved with him. I can't ever replace those years of emotional torture and physical abuse with a happier story line. Worse, I inflicted him on the two sons I already had when we met and exposed my daughter to a father who behaved in ways far exceeding the limits of tolerance of any semi-sane human being. I have deeply despised myself for destroying my life on his behalf and allowing so many negative influences enter into the lives of my children. This article brought a sense of comfort and I am going to seek more information as to how I might recover from this experience. It's not too late to enjoy whatever time I have left and I will do exactly that as I move from self-blame into healing. So grateful Dr. Carver wrote this piece and that I found it. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Annie M. , May 03, 2010

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...

Thanks for the info. My mother has allowed one of her sons to control/abuse her for approximately 30 years. It is especially painful when you, as her daughter, come to this realization. I have ALWAYS done so many things, bought so many things for her. Her son, who has for the majority of his life, been unemployed and evil to everyone. He is 53 years-old and has lived WITH my mother for the better part of those years not having ever paid for food, electricity nor phone. He has been married 3 times with each "marriage" lasting approx. 1 year. Then, it's back to mother's. My mother has property and we know he wants to steal that as well despite her will. If she goes anywhere with a friend, he follows her and/or calls her wherever she goes. He especially hates me because I've never depended on anyone, never gotten anything from my mother, nor has she ever helped me when I had my children(and I have Multiple Sclerosis). The "brother" lives to harm others in any way he can. He's so jealous of my husband that he mailed a letter to the President of his company to try to hurt him when we have even lent him money (which he never completely paid back)! This sounds unbelievable but it is TRUE! I believe that only GOD can solve this situation.

ladyliberty , July 19, 2010

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Thank you

Thank you, I got out of an abusive relationship months back, and have been struggling to cope. I found this article trying to research for story ideas, and instead have found answers to questions that have been plaguing my mind. Thank you, thank you so much.

casperonfire , July 31, 2010

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