The Verbally Abusive Man

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The Verbally Abusive Man

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Topics - Verbal Abuse

Written by John D. Moore, MS, LPC, CADC

Tuesday, 03 February 2009 02:47

When being in love means putting up with his relentless name-calling, you are involved with the verbally abusive man.

When most of your comments are edited, in fear of how he might respond, you are involved with the verbally abusive man.

When you excuse his erratic temper, permit his put-downs, or endure his version of the "silent treatment", you are involved with the verbally abusive man.

When you believe that you can work with him to somehow change his behavior with the hope that he will treat you with respect, you are involved with the verbally abusive man.

When you have come to believe that you are truly all of the terrible things he has called you, including ugly, fat, selfish or stupid, you are involved with the verbally abusive man.

And when his name-calling has caused you to risk your emotional and physical health, or you have come to hate yourself, then you are absolutely involved with the verbally abusive man.

Maybe you are reading this article because you are tired of being mistreated by your partner, who seems to go out of his way to leave you feeling angry, frightened, humiliated or depressed. If this is the case, then this article is intended for you. If you are a family member or a friend of the concerned party, this article will require brutal honesty about their situation, for what follows is intended for you as well.

Before continuing further, let me state clearly that the act of verbal abuse is not confined to the males, as quite the opposite is true. In actuality anyone is capable of verbally abusing another, regardless of gender, sexual orientation or for that matter, the nature of the shared relationship. This means that a husband can verbally abuse his wife, a girlfriend can verbally abuse her boyfriend, or a significant other can verbally abuse his or her partner. It is perhaps for this reason alone that I consider the act of verbal abuse to be an equal opportunity destroyer - a destroyer of self-esteem, of inner happiness and most important, of ones own sense of self. Sadly however, women in particular seem to have born the brunt of this insidious form of mistreatment, most commonly at the hands of their male partners. This is in large part due to long lasting, albeit misguided societal norms that have relegated women into unfair subservient roles, which have allowed men to act out harmfully. And while times are changing, the issue continues to be lopsided.

Abuse in the prism of personal relationships can be a terrifying word. It whips up mental images of someone physically harming their defenseless victim in order to inflict maximum harm. In fact when heard in this context, we decisively shun it, turning our attention elsewhere and believe that, "It couldn't possibly be happening to me." But if you are truly honest about your situation - honest about the names you have been called, honest about the cruel way he treats you, then the word abuse will take on a whole new meaning.

After a period of time, persons involved with the verbally abusive man go on to develop a serious condition, which I have termed, "Verbal Abuse Syndrome". Regardless of the nuances of their specific relational stories or whether their time spent with the loved one was long, short or ongoing, these victims share one common bond. Verbal abuse syndrome does not mean having a mental defect, or having a life threatening illness, or being infected with some viral microbe. It means, in reality, that being verbally abused over the course of time eventually begins to emotionally wear a person down, progressing to the point that the victim ultimately loses their self-esteem. It means that the person actually begins to believe that something is truly flawed with their individual character and that they are all of the horrible things that they have been called. It means living in total fear and acquiescing to a harmful partner's' brutal behavior. Finally, it means living with immense guilt and hates oneself.

So how do you know if you are suffering from verbal abuse syndrome? Consider the following twelve characteristics and compare them to your own situation.

Due to constant verbal abuse directed at you by a partner, you typically suffer from critically low self-esteem and increasingly second guess yourself.
Because you have tied happiness to him, you are afraid that he might leave you, causing you conform to his requests and act in ways that he desires.
Often, the derogatory words being directed at you are accompanied by other co-abusive behaviors, including emotional neglect, humiliation or violent actions. This often leaves you feeling lonely and isolated.
You edit your words and actions, fearing the possibility of present and/or future abuse.
Because you have been repeatedly called belittling names labels such as ugly, fat, stupid, dirty bitch or other labels, you begin to believe that perhaps, you truly are.
Because he becomes upset whenever you spend time with friends or family, you have isolated yourself and emotionally withdrawn from people who were once important to you.
In an attempt to deal with the suffering you are going through, you may use food, alcohol, drugs or other substances to medicate the pain.
Feeling as if you are under a constant state of stress, you may experience unexplained back pain. You may also suffer from gastrointestinal problems, including acid reflux disorder, constipation, diarrhea, or general stomach upset.
You have lost interest in things that once held importance in your life.
You attempt to become his counselor or therapist.
Because you are unable to control his behaviors, you attempt to control others, resulting in angry responses.
Typically, you are physically drained, sometimes finding it difficult to carry out the normal actives of daily living.

Should the traits and characteristics listed above speak to your own personal situation, then it may be time for help. There are many resources to aid victims of abuse cope with their feelings and emotions. Some of these include the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Other resources include therapists trained in the issue of verbal abuse or other similar professionals. What is important is that you start to reach out and begin to repair the damage that has been inflicted upon you. Keep in mind that verbal abuse does not exist in a vacuum, meaning there are usually other behaviors that accompany the angry words and actions being directed at you. Some of these behaviors include physical abuse and outright violence. Other behaviors may include alcoholism or drug abuse. Be sure to share this with the person you are working with so that they understand your entire situation. Like I tell my clients, when you reach out, you are really reaching in.

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wow

This is my life. I love my husband but have feared it was just me. After reading this article, I realize it isn't me entirely. He is so angry all the time, I can't seem to do anything right, or say anything right. The name calling is so hurtful, I have contemplated suicide. I feel so terrible about myself, who would want me etc.....

Dawn , August 18, 2009

I understand

Yes, I understand. I just got out of a 10 month relationship with a man who was verbally and emotionally abusive. Ironically, I was sticking by him, to help him with his behavior with bringing him to church and to a Christian Counselor and then he broke up with me. I will NEVER compromise myself or my self respect for putting faith in someone else. They are responsible for their own behavior and you can't make someone change unless tehy want to change. Three steps to change: Awareness, Admitting or Identifying the problem and then make the appropriate changes with support. After about 4-5 months, a few "Joking" put-downs as he called them were directed my way, like, "Go sit in the corner and put a hat on it where you belong"...when we were going out to dinner. Or telling me I am an Idiot when I made a mistake on doing irnonically my own taxes. Or making me think that I missed my Grandma's birthday...on a day that was special to me...making me think that it was one day later than it was. Then things got progressively worse. I was called a "Crazy Bitch", a "Whore" and other other degrading comments were spoken to humiliate my sexuality. I also was told, I hope your dog falls dead". I was always told that "I pushed him to say it"...or "I led him to say it"...or some other reason. Although he would apologize at times..sorry really didn't mean anything...because he would do it again...but really he didn't take much accountability. Slowly, I have felt that my spirit has died and that I still feel a strong sense of denial on what has occurred in my relationship. I still ironically have a love for him and believe that he can change...but it needs to come from him. He has a sickness within his spirit that only he can address and I can't be the person receiving the abuse anymore. I feel that I have lost so much mental clarity and feel that I have lost a big part of who I am...while he is going on his merry way probably dating other people now...while I am picking up the pieces as I have felt I became an emotional wreck. I now have to grieve the part of him that I loved that I no longer am with. I have to grieve the words that were spoken to me. I have to grieve that I compromised myself and believed in him and then he didn't make the changes and it only got worse and then he broke up with me. Then I have to grieve this sense of denial and feeling I have lost ME. Words of wisdom...if you receive the so called jokes in the beginning ....listen to your intuition. I wrote in a journal in the beginning that I thought he might have verbal or emotional abuse tactics...but I just wanted to believe that he didn't...because there were so many other good times and I already fell for him and others on the outside thought he was this great man. Abuse is not only just physical...it is mental, verbal and emotional. In fact, I think that emotional abuse takes longer to heal from and that many scars stay in your spirit for sometime and then you just don't feel yourself or you feel thrown off. I hope that maybe my words might be helpful to others to identify something. Be true to yourself. Never allow anyone to disrespect you and honor yourself. If the person is not ready to change...then walk. I probably need to thank my ex boyfriend for breaking off truly because I was in love with him so....I just kept wanting to believe he would change. But he wasn't. So, thank you ex for really giving my life back...but it will take awhile to really have it back after the abuse I have received. Be well.

Susan , September 18, 2009

...

When he found out that I was looking at this website, He threw me out of my chair and into the floor,and then told me to get out......Then .... when I started to pack up, he told me not to leave...Can anyone help me?

Diane.farr , November 05, 2009

...

This is exactly what I am going through. My husband has treated me this way for eight years. At this point I am numb. I don't understand what I did to make him call me dumb and dumber. That was his most recent comment to me. I told him that it is not acceptable for him to talk to me like that, but he just says "You should just listen to me then." Then he went in to the bedroom and has proceeded to ignore me for the last three hours. It makes no difference if I try to stand up for myself, if I try to ignore it, or if I try to just be nice. He is always mad at me and the kids. I have absolutely no idea what to do. If it were someone else I could tell them exactly what to do, but I am completely lost. He works in sales so he is always super nice to all of his customers, but the second he hangs up the phone there is always some bitch comment waiting for me. He drinks too much, watches sports all of the time, and never says I love you or I'm sorry. NEVER!!!! He always says that it is my fault and I should just know better. I know I need help, but I have no idea where to start.

loril633 , November 30, 2009

advice pls

omg im 18 and my bf he comes frm an abusiv family all these things written here is my life, i love him but he says things that truly hurt me im studying to be a lawyer & he says il never make it,wen my parents go to business functions he says i shudnt go coz im not classy enough to fit in.he has isolated me from all of my friends i have no one he says i have to choose between him or them even my girl friends.we are legal with our parents and plan to get married in a few years after i graduate, i feel really tied down by him & dont want to live my life like this but im so in love we are best friends but wen he gets mad he gets really mad i even slit my wrists sometimes and want to die.he says im stupid and crazy and im a bitch etc. is it normal? its my first real relationship is this how relationships are? pls reply someone its getting worse every time im afraid he wil really hurt me,he has slapped me a few times im so confused i dont know how to deal with this

anonymous02 , December 03, 2009

...

To the last girl...you need to leave him. He is not your "best friend". He doesn't love you. Learn to love yourself. Have some self-respect. Relationships should not be like this. You are 18 years old. Don't throw your life away on this abusive jerk. You are worthy of love. You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve to be happy. This guy has the classic symptoms of abusive behavior. Cut him out of your life!!!

To the other ladies...I'm 26 years old. I can relate to what all of you are saying. I was once in an abusive relationship with my high school sweetheart. It started when we were both 16 and ended at 21. He never hit me, but he did choke me until I turned blue. He would call me names. He would belittle me. His family and friends hated me, so he allowed them to disrespect me too.

He was both verbally and emotionally abusive. He thought it was fun to call me "stupid" and "idiot" constantly. He loved to make other people laugh at my expense. Once we were in a group of his friends and he made a really hurtful comment about my "small brain". Everyone laughed at me. Something in me went off, and I threw a cup of vodka at him. I wanted to hurt him the way he had been hurting me all those years.

Now I'm married to a wonderful man who is gentle and kind. My ex-boyfriend is dating a girl who looks like me and she is obviously in love with him. Her name is Kathy. He is treating her well now, but she will be heartbroken when the abuse starts. She is impressionable...just like I was when we started dating. He will hurt her. It is only a matter of time.

It is true that women who come from abusive homes tend to be in abusive relationships with men. My stepfather was cruel and I wound up with a boy who nearly drove me to suicide.

My ex completely stripped me of self-esteem. It is funny that he was calling me "stupid", because he never read books or wanted to attend college. I believe he was raised in a toxic environment, like I was. Hurting me made him feel better about himself.

It hurt me when he said that I could be "replaced" by some other girl. That was another way of letting me know that he never loved me.

Ladies, please seek help. Abusers will rarely change. You have to be the one to walk away. If you cannot, then you need to call an abuse hotline. Your happiness depends on it.

BrownEyedBeauty , December 16, 2009

hard to walk away, but enough is enough.

as i write this, im in a ladies refugee. im here after my husband beaten me up, punched me, slapped my face and broken my finger. basically, in his words, because i made him jealous. "you made me do it, im sorry...", he said. its ironic i make him jealous, because he always says im unnatractive, have thin hair, am flabby, have big feet, am short. well, the thing is he calls me every hour begging me to stay with him and saying hes gonna kill himself if i leave him. its not the first time he says hes gonna kill himself if i leave him, but now i am gonna leave him. and now, i dont f***** care what he is gonna do. and i would tell you to do the same if thats your case, ladies. its never late to start living and being happy, but as soon as possible, as better. take care and be be happy

lola , December 28, 2009

so hard to see a spade for a spade

I am writing this to add to what all you ladies have been saying! I am an abusive relationship survivor and it has been the hardest thing I have had to do in my 25 yrs of life! Been away for 3 months now and trying my hardest to not look back. I am still coping with why this is so hard, I question myself daily and wonder what-if often! But I continue to tell myself NO! I have to gain my self respect back! His actions are NOT OK!
I was with this guy for 5 almost 6 yrs and own a house together as well as having a 3 year old daughter. Since I have meet him I saw red flags of controlling, abusive behavior. B/c I was 19, I chalk alot of my nieveness to age and in-experience. He was everything I wanted, or at least I thought. From the first year he started with accusing me of messing around and the non trust, when I had done absolutely NOTHING wrong. Instead of walking away and saying I dont deserve this, I pleaded for him to believe me and to see me in a different light. This never happened! well 2 yrs into the relationship after fight after fight, verbally and emotional abuse, and secluding me from my friends and family. I got pregnant. Had a gorgeous daughter and hoped things would change.
Needless to say, nothing changed! Constant name calling, accusations of cheating, controlling with family and even down to how I dressed to go to a corporate job. Asking me who am I trying to impress at work? And why do I care what I wear to work? Why do I change so many time getting dressed? I felt so judged and fearful of what he was going to say all the time. I would replay a situation in my head over and over to scan for mistakes to try and out think him! Needless to say it was very exausting and stressfull non-stop. He never hauled off and hit me out of no where, but choking, pushing, slamming and spitting on me were just a few of physical altercations we had. Even being 6 months preg he tried to literally throw me out the apt when I wouldn't leave after saying I wasn't pregnant with his child! Why I ask myself? Why did I fight so hard to stay?
I finally got the courage to leave when he accused me of cheating when I visited a very ill friend in hospital. It wasn't until the next day when he tried to apologize that I flipped! Once he saw I wasn't accepting the "I'm sorry" like I was supposed to he threw stuff and I fought back! I no longer fought to stay at my own house! I called my mom and packed a few outfits and left with my daughter. Honestly expected him to chase me and do a grand gesture to get me back home, seeming as I had never fled before, so assuming he would know the seriousness of my actions. Well he didn't...... It was a blessing tho. In the last 3 months he has tried once to get me back, but it was a half a** attempt and by then I was strong enough to not listen to the whole "I promise I'll change thing". And shortly after that it was back to the you're a drama queen and I can find better mode!
Ladies this is a struggle no matter how you get in the abusive relationship, or how bad it got. It is what it is, and you can not change another person! We as women feel and think we can fix someone at the cost of our self respect. If you feel in your gut you are being disrespected and you find yourself embarrased to let people know how he "really" is then its time to get out!
I still struggling with moving forward, its still fresh for me, I question what I did wrong, I get sad thinking of another girl making him happy, I'm fearful of being lonely and never finding a better guy, but I and all of you have to keep reminding yourself of why you left or why you should leave. We can do it! Don't be afraid to reach out! I have found that encouragment works best for me. When my family and friends can say you deserve better, when before I hid what went on, it feels validating that there is nothing I did it deserve that treatment.

rocky , January 11, 2010