The Verbally Abusive Man

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The Verbally Abusive Man

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Topics - Verbal Abuse

Written by John D. Moore, MS, LPC, CADC

Tuesday, 03 February 2009 02:47

When being in love means putting up with his relentless name-calling, you are involved with the verbally abusive man.

When most of your comments are edited, in fear of how he might respond, you are involved with the verbally abusive man.

When you excuse his erratic temper, permit his put-downs, or endure his version of the "silent treatment", you are involved with the verbally abusive man.

When you believe that you can work with him to somehow change his behavior with the hope that he will treat you with respect, you are involved with the verbally abusive man.

When you have come to believe that you are truly all of the terrible things he has called you, including ugly, fat, selfish or stupid, you are involved with the verbally abusive man.

And when his name-calling has caused you to risk your emotional and physical health, or you have come to hate yourself, then you are absolutely involved with the verbally abusive man.

Maybe you are reading this article because you are tired of being mistreated by your partner, who seems to go out of his way to leave you feeling angry, frightened, humiliated or depressed. If this is the case, then this article is intended for you. If you are a family member or a friend of the concerned party, this article will require brutal honesty about their situation, for what follows is intended for you as well.

Before continuing further, let me state clearly that the act of verbal abuse is not confined to the males, as quite the opposite is true. In actuality anyone is capable of verbally abusing another, regardless of gender, sexual orientation or for that matter, the nature of the shared relationship. This means that a husband can verbally abuse his wife, a girlfriend can verbally abuse her boyfriend, or a significant other can verbally abuse his or her partner. It is perhaps for this reason alone that I consider the act of verbal abuse to be an equal opportunity destroyer - a destroyer of self-esteem, of inner happiness and most important, of ones own sense of self. Sadly however, women in particular seem to have born the brunt of this insidious form of mistreatment, most commonly at the hands of their male partners. This is in large part due to long lasting, albeit misguided societal norms that have relegated women into unfair subservient roles, which have allowed men to act out harmfully. And while times are changing, the issue continues to be lopsided.

Abuse in the prism of personal relationships can be a terrifying word. It whips up mental images of someone physically harming their defenseless victim in order to inflict maximum harm. In fact when heard in this context, we decisively shun it, turning our attention elsewhere and believe that, "It couldn't possibly be happening to me." But if you are truly honest about your situation - honest about the names you have been called, honest about the cruel way he treats you, then the word abuse will take on a whole new meaning.

After a period of time, persons involved with the verbally abusive man go on to develop a serious condition, which I have termed, "Verbal Abuse Syndrome". Regardless of the nuances of their specific relational stories or whether their time spent with the loved one was long, short or ongoing, these victims share one common bond. Verbal abuse syndrome does not mean having a mental defect, or having a life threatening illness, or being infected with some viral microbe. It means, in reality, that being verbally abused over the course of time eventually begins to emotionally wear a person down, progressing to the point that the victim ultimately loses their self-esteem. It means that the person actually begins to believe that something is truly flawed with their individual character and that they are all of the horrible things that they have been called. It means living in total fear and acquiescing to a harmful partner's' brutal behavior. Finally, it means living with immense guilt and hates oneself.

So how do you know if you are suffering from verbal abuse syndrome? Consider the following twelve characteristics and compare them to your own situation.

Due to constant verbal abuse directed at you by a partner, you typically suffer from critically low self-esteem and increasingly second guess yourself.
Because you have tied happiness to him, you are afraid that he might leave you, causing you conform to his requests and act in ways that he desires.
Often, the derogatory words being directed at you are accompanied by other co-abusive behaviors, including emotional neglect, humiliation or violent actions. This often leaves you feeling lonely and isolated.
You edit your words and actions, fearing the possibility of present and/or future abuse.
Because you have been repeatedly called belittling names labels such as ugly, fat, stupid, dirty bitch or other labels, you begin to believe that perhaps, you truly are.
Because he becomes upset whenever you spend time with friends or family, you have isolated yourself and emotionally withdrawn from people who were once important to you.
In an attempt to deal with the suffering you are going through, you may use food, alcohol, drugs or other substances to medicate the pain.
Feeling as if you are under a constant state of stress, you may experience unexplained back pain. You may also suffer from gastrointestinal problems, including acid reflux disorder, constipation, diarrhea, or general stomach upset.
You have lost interest in things that once held importance in your life.
You attempt to become his counselor or therapist.
Because you are unable to control his behaviors, you attempt to control others, resulting in angry responses.
Typically, you are physically drained, sometimes finding it difficult to carry out the normal actives of daily living.

Should the traits and characteristics listed above speak to your own personal situation, then it may be time for help. There are many resources to aid victims of abuse cope with their feelings and emotions. Some of these include the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Other resources include therapists trained in the issue of verbal abuse or other similar professionals. What is important is that you start to reach out and begin to repair the damage that has been inflicted upon you. Keep in mind that verbal abuse does not exist in a vacuum, meaning there are usually other behaviors that accompany the angry words and actions being directed at you. Some of these behaviors include physical abuse and outright violence. Other behaviors may include alcoholism or drug abuse. Be sure to share this with the person you are working with so that they understand your entire situation. Like I tell my clients, when you reach out, you are really reaching in.

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wow

This is my life. I love my husband but have feared it was just me. After reading this article, I realize it isn't me entirely. He is so angry all the time, I can't seem to do anything right, or say anything right. The name calling is so hurtful, I have contemplated suicide. I feel so terrible about myself, who would want me etc.....

Dawn , August 18, 2009

I understand

Yes, I understand. I just got out of a 10 month relationship with a man who was verbally and emotionally abusive. Ironically, I was sticking by him, to help him with his behavior with bringing him to church and to a Christian Counselor and then he broke up with me. I will NEVER compromise myself or my self respect for putting faith in someone else. They are responsible for their own behavior and you can't make someone change unless tehy want to change. Three steps to change: Awareness, Admitting or Identifying the problem and then make the appropriate changes with support. After about 4-5 months, a few "Joking" put-downs as he called them were directed my way, like, "Go sit in the corner and put a hat on it where you belong"...when we were going out to dinner. Or telling me I am an Idiot when I made a mistake on doing irnonically my own taxes. Or making me think that I missed my Grandma's birthday...on a day that was special to me...making me think that it was one day later than it was. Then things got progressively worse. I was called a "Crazy Bitch", a "Whore" and other other degrading comments were spoken to humiliate my sexuality. I also was told, I hope your dog falls dead". I was always told that "I pushed him to say it"...or "I led him to say it"...or some other reason. Although he would apologize at times..sorry really didn't mean anything...because he would do it again...but really he didn't take much accountability. Slowly, I have felt that my spirit has died and that I still feel a strong sense of denial on what has occurred in my relationship. I still ironically have a love for him and believe that he can change...but it needs to come from him. He has a sickness within his spirit that only he can address and I can't be the person receiving the abuse anymore. I feel that I have lost so much mental clarity and feel that I have lost a big part of who I am...while he is going on his merry way probably dating other people now...while I am picking up the pieces as I have felt I became an emotional wreck. I now have to grieve the part of him that I loved that I no longer am with. I have to grieve the words that were spoken to me. I have to grieve that I compromised myself and believed in him and then he didn't make the changes and it only got worse and then he broke up with me. Then I have to grieve this sense of denial and feeling I have lost ME. Words of wisdom...if you receive the so called jokes in the beginning ....listen to your intuition. I wrote in a journal in the beginning that I thought he might have verbal or emotional abuse tactics...but I just wanted to believe that he didn't...because there were so many other good times and I already fell for him and others on the outside thought he was this great man. Abuse is not only just physical...it is mental, verbal and emotional. In fact, I think that emotional abuse takes longer to heal from and that many scars stay in your spirit for sometime and then you just don't feel yourself or you feel thrown off. I hope that maybe my words might be helpful to others to identify something. Be true to yourself. Never allow anyone to disrespect you and honor yourself. If the person is not ready to change...then walk. I probably need to thank my ex boyfriend for breaking off truly because I was in love with him so....I just kept wanting to believe he would change. But he wasn't. So, thank you ex for really giving my life back...but it will take awhile to really have it back after the abuse I have received. Be well.

Susan , September 18, 2009

...

When he found out that I was looking at this website, He threw me out of my chair and into the floor,and then told me to get out......Then .... when I started to pack up, he told me not to leave...Can anyone help me?

Diane.farr , November 05, 2009

...

This is exactly what I am going through. My husband has treated me this way for eight years. At this point I am numb. I don't understand what I did to make him call me dumb and dumber. That was his most recent comment to me. I told him that it is not acceptable for him to talk to me like that, but he just says "You should just listen to me then." Then he went in to the bedroom and has proceeded to ignore me for the last three hours. It makes no difference if I try to stand up for myself, if I try to ignore it, or if I try to just be nice. He is always mad at me and the kids. I have absolutely no idea what to do. If it were someone else I could tell them exactly what to do, but I am completely lost. He works in sales so he is always super nice to all of his customers, but the second he hangs up the phone there is always some bitch comment waiting for me. He drinks too much, watches sports all of the time, and never says I love you or I'm sorry. NEVER!!!! He always says that it is my fault and I should just know better. I know I need help, but I have no idea where to start.

loril633 , November 30, 2009

advice pls

omg im 18 and my bf he comes frm an abusiv family all these things written here is my life, i love him but he says things that truly hurt me im studying to be a lawyer & he says il never make it,wen my parents go to business functions he says i shudnt go coz im not classy enough to fit in.he has isolated me from all of my friends i have no one he says i have to choose between him or them even my girl friends.we are legal with our parents and plan to get married in a few years after i graduate, i feel really tied down by him & dont want to live my life like this but im so in love we are best friends but wen he gets mad he gets really mad i even slit my wrists sometimes and want to die.he says im stupid and crazy and im a bitch etc. is it normal? its my first real relationship is this how relationships are? pls reply someone its getting worse every time im afraid he wil really hurt me,he has slapped me a few times im so confused i dont know how to deal with this

anonymous02 , December 03, 2009

...

To the last girl...you need to leave him. He is not your "best friend". He doesn't love you. Learn to love yourself. Have some self-respect. Relationships should not be like this. You are 18 years old. Don't throw your life away on this abusive jerk. You are worthy of love. You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve to be happy. This guy has the classic symptoms of abusive behavior. Cut him out of your life!!!

To the other ladies...I'm 26 years old. I can relate to what all of you are saying. I was once in an abusive relationship with my high school sweetheart. It started when we were both 16 and ended at 21. He never hit me, but he did choke me until I turned blue. He would call me names. He would belittle me. His family and friends hated me, so he allowed them to disrespect me too.

He was both verbally and emotionally abusive. He thought it was fun to call me "stupid" and "idiot" constantly. He loved to make other people laugh at my expense. Once we were in a group of his friends and he made a really hurtful comment about my "small brain". Everyone laughed at me. Something in me went off, and I threw a cup of vodka at him. I wanted to hurt him the way he had been hurting me all those years.

Now I'm married to a wonderful man who is gentle and kind. My ex-boyfriend is dating a girl who looks like me and she is obviously in love with him. Her name is Kathy. He is treating her well now, but she will be heartbroken when the abuse starts. She is impressionable...just like I was when we started dating. He will hurt her. It is only a matter of time.

It is true that women who come from abusive homes tend to be in abusive relationships with men. My stepfather was cruel and I wound up with a boy who nearly drove me to suicide.

My ex completely stripped me of self-esteem. It is funny that he was calling me "stupid", because he never read books or wanted to attend college. I believe he was raised in a toxic environment, like I was. Hurting me made him feel better about himself.

It hurt me when he said that I could be "replaced" by some other girl. That was another way of letting me know that he never loved me.

Ladies, please seek help. Abusers will rarely change. You have to be the one to walk away. If you cannot, then you need to call an abuse hotline. Your happiness depends on it.

BrownEyedBeauty , December 16, 2009

hard to walk away, but enough is enough.

as i write this, im in a ladies refugee. im here after my husband beaten me up, punched me, slapped my face and broken my finger. basically, in his words, because i made him jealous. "you made me do it, im sorry...", he said. its ironic i make him jealous, because he always says im unnatractive, have thin hair, am flabby, have big feet, am short. well, the thing is he calls me every hour begging me to stay with him and saying hes gonna kill himself if i leave him. its not the first time he says hes gonna kill himself if i leave him, but now i am gonna leave him. and now, i dont f***** care what he is gonna do. and i would tell you to do the same if thats your case, ladies. its never late to start living and being happy, but as soon as possible, as better. take care and be be happy

lola , December 28, 2009

so hard to see a spade for a spade

I am writing this to add to what all you ladies have been saying! I am an abusive relationship survivor and it has been the hardest thing I have had to do in my 25 yrs of life! Been away for 3 months now and trying my hardest to not look back. I am still coping with why this is so hard, I question myself daily and wonder what-if often! But I continue to tell myself NO! I have to gain my self respect back! His actions are NOT OK!
I was with this guy for 5 almost 6 yrs and own a house together as well as having a 3 year old daughter. Since I have meet him I saw red flags of controlling, abusive behavior. B/c I was 19, I chalk alot of my nieveness to age and in-experience. He was everything I wanted, or at least I thought. From the first year he started with accusing me of messing around and the non trust, when I had done absolutely NOTHING wrong. Instead of walking away and saying I dont deserve this, I pleaded for him to believe me and to see me in a different light. This never happened! well 2 yrs into the relationship after fight after fight, verbally and emotional abuse, and secluding me from my friends and family. I got pregnant. Had a gorgeous daughter and hoped things would change.
Needless to say, nothing changed! Constant name calling, accusations of cheating, controlling with family and even down to how I dressed to go to a corporate job. Asking me who am I trying to impress at work? And why do I care what I wear to work? Why do I change so many time getting dressed? I felt so judged and fearful of what he was going to say all the time. I would replay a situation in my head over and over to scan for mistakes to try and out think him! Needless to say it was very exausting and stressfull non-stop. He never hauled off and hit me out of no where, but choking, pushing, slamming and spitting on me were just a few of physical altercations we had. Even being 6 months preg he tried to literally throw me out the apt when I wouldn't leave after saying I wasn't pregnant with his child! Why I ask myself? Why did I fight so hard to stay?
I finally got the courage to leave when he accused me of cheating when I visited a very ill friend in hospital. It wasn't until the next day when he tried to apologize that I flipped! Once he saw I wasn't accepting the "I'm sorry" like I was supposed to he threw stuff and I fought back! I no longer fought to stay at my own house! I called my mom and packed a few outfits and left with my daughter. Honestly expected him to chase me and do a grand gesture to get me back home, seeming as I had never fled before, so assuming he would know the seriousness of my actions. Well he didn't...... It was a blessing tho. In the last 3 months he has tried once to get me back, but it was a half a** attempt and by then I was strong enough to not listen to the whole "I promise I'll change thing". And shortly after that it was back to the you're a drama queen and I can find better mode!
Ladies this is a struggle no matter how you get in the abusive relationship, or how bad it got. It is what it is, and you can not change another person! We as women feel and think we can fix someone at the cost of our self respect. If you feel in your gut you are being disrespected and you find yourself embarrased to let people know how he "really" is then its time to get out!
I still struggling with moving forward, its still fresh for me, I question what I did wrong, I get sad thinking of another girl making him happy, I'm fearful of being lonely and never finding a better guy, but I and all of you have to keep reminding yourself of why you left or why you should leave. We can do it! Don't be afraid to reach out! I have found that encouragment works best for me. When my family and friends can say you deserve better, when before I hid what went on, it feels validating that there is nothing I did it deserve that treatment.

rocky , January 11, 2010

response to the last girls entry

wow, this is exactly how my life is....it sounds just like how i live. I have been physically, verbally and emotional abused for 14 years and i know i need to get out. He times me when i go to work and when i get off and if late he will call constantly and some how i will not get the call on cell phone and by the time he gets in contact with me i am with someone, talken to other men not at work etc. He checks my check stubs, whenever i leave the house i have to take all 3 of my children, no matter how difficult. He accusesses me of everything from sleeping with someone on lunch or leaving early or taking time off to sleep with someone. He calls me retartded cant think straight etc. One day i could not answer my cell phone because i was at work on a call when i called on break i was told i was not on a call i probably just came back at this time and told f... U and i was hung up on. I get home and he wants to check my underwear, i told him know but he grabbed my hair and said i can do it willingly or he will make me so i had to comply with this and it was so embarrasing. After this died down, mind u he is still upset with me because he says...it was some shady sh.. that went on is why u didnt answer your phone that day. I cried and kept trying to tell him how stupid this sound but he just got even mader saying he wants to leave me and that i am unaffectionate and so on at which i keep trying to tell him he acts like he does not like me but thinks i am going to come at him for sex at which is impossible to do when u feel this way. I finally got enough courage to tell him i will move sense i am such a problem at which he said nothing. He is now making plans to leave first of course to leave me with all bills and i am here thinking any minute i may give in like i always do. All i need to say is i will change and do what he wants and this ridiculous relationship will continue. I know i need to get out. help!

Cindyburham , February 23, 2010

Empty~

Ladies,
As I sit right here with tears streaming down my face, I can not say anything other than. I'm there right now! All of you need to look up Stockholm syndrome. I suffer from it. It's where the victim feels sorry for their abuser. My heart breaks for you guys knowing that there are other people in the same hurtful boat that I am in. I've heard you all literally describe my husband. We don't deserve it. We deserve to be happy with a man that really cherishes us FOR WHO WE ARE, not who they tear us down to be. Good luck to you all and God bless! Time will heal if we can just make that first step.

Amanda Shough , February 23, 2010

-1

42 years of verbal abuse

I have been married to an abusive man for 42 years. a couple of times he was physcially abusive but always verbally. We are retired now and I thought life might be better but he has OCD cleaning compulsively unhappy about retiring in the northeast and angry about everything he is never happy which is draining my happiness. I am not even sure if I love him or just that we have a history together. I am so co dependent and afraid of him. He calls his sisters every single day and puts them ahead of me but insists that I dont respect him or treat him right and blames me for everything. He has no friends except for mine and he could not be happy anywhere he goes since he isnt happy inside of himself. I wish sometimes I could fly away and never come back

joAnn , February 28, 2010

...

i have been married for 5 months to this man and I have spent every last dime helping him over come the issues he has. He promised me that he was going to do everything possible to get help. He has become very verbally abusive and undependable. I thought that if I introduce replace the hard alcohol with wines that he would learn how to drink properly. I was so wrong! Now, he drinks the whole bottle of wine when I am gone. He is addicted to candy, energy drinks, and black and mild cigars. He does not communicated well and if I mention bills,money, responsibilities whatsoever, he freaks out. I am constipated, diarea, heartburn, stomachache, depressed, unemployed, have no one to talk to, and feel miserable.

I was never the type of person to put up with much from anyone. So, this past Monday I went to the court house and filed for a dissolution of marriage.

I don't feel bad because, I have sold my car, almost lost my house, fell behind on all my credit cards, cashed in all of my IRA's but, still paid his child support, tickets, you name it, I paid it.I thought that if he had someone to show him what it feels like to live like I had, that he would appreciate the better things in life. Well, I was wrong again. He began to take over my things, my home, my car, etc. He is controlling, and it seems as if he has the temperment of a 14 year old.

He has a felony and done some time but I thought he just needed a break. If he does not get his way, he will threaten me that he is going to smoke some heroin, or kill himself, or something stupid. He has poored bleach into my 45 gallon fish tank which killed all of my fish. When he walks into the room where
I sit, he will speak to my dog and not me.

His father murdered his mother and the police shot his father. He was introduced to heavy drugs by his father at the age of 8yrs. old. No excuses because he is 47 yrs old today.

I married him because I thought that it would make him feel more secure.
...if I continue with my story, we will be here all night....

ld , March 05, 2010

I am verbally abusive

When I am sober I am a nice guy, but when I drink I black out and become verbally abusive. I dont even remember doing it or what was said and I am so ashamed when I find out what happened.

I have ruined relationships like this and feel so scared of my complete loss of control and the monster I become. I would call my girlfriend the next day and I wouldnt even know that anything had happened until she told me. After this happened a few times she left.

She said I would tell her that her life is shit, she has no future, she ruined her life, her family was screwed up. She refused to repeat some other things I said. Very hurtful things. Things that I cant take back and she cant forget. I said things I don't even mean and believe.

Last night i went to a party and got drunk. When I came home I called an old girlfriend and she told me I verbally abused her.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I must have some internal anger and depression issues. I must have some pain and hurt inside me that only comes out when I drink too much. I dont know why I have to take it out on the person closest to me, its so unfair to them.

Other than quit drinking completely, I dont know what to do to exercize my demons and free myself of this deep internal rage. I'm 34 years old and not married, but I want to fix this before I start a family.

Big Jerk

Big Jerk , April 16, 2010

the abused

im 19 and my boyfriend of a year has been verbally abusive to me for at least 7 months of our relationship. he calls me names like fat bitch and that i used to be good looking when he first met me but now i look like sh*t. he tells me im mental and that i need help. after a fight he says things like " your a sl*t , and thats why i went for u in the first place." then wen he calms down hell tell me he had a "moment" and that he didnt mean any of wat he said. he has said this at least 100000 times over. he's never changed , but i still love him deeply and i dnt wanna loose him. i really feel alone & confussed. i know i need to let him go but i just PHYSICALLY cant do it

seraya , April 23, 2010

my worst days------help me

HI,I M 21 years old girl studing ah cours. i met this boy say 2 years back in my college canteen.i was never in arelationship.slowly we became friends.i really started liking him .slowly we started dating each other.and then 0n 2nd day i broke up with him as he behave badly wit me .but i use to love him.slowly he started abusing me as we came together.He started taking money from me by blackmailing me.he said he will tell my parents that we were physically involved.he started making fun of me.he trenthen my friends and they went against me then too they told him nt to contact me .then to he continued.i dnt had any help left and now to he is doing the same.please advise me what to do as my parents will kill me if they find out all this as i have very few days left for my finals.please help me

prachs89 , May 07, 2010

i have a beautiful baby boy!

My husband asked me to help him with the papers. American Papers to not be deported back to France. I did not want to do it, bc I was not ready to do that big step. Get Married. Now we are here. I have a baby boy, thinking bc of him things were going to be better. He is becoming more abusive. Verbally abusive. I am worry about my little son. Worry about me, feeling stuck here and not strong to walk away and protect my son from his father. He drinks, and he is worst. He could have a great life and just enjoy it.. He has a business, he is a hard worker. He is living in the USA NY his dream!. His kid is amazing and super cool.. I am not asking for anything to him.. Just to let me take care of my son for the first years of his life,.. WE did talk about this before.. It was a plan. Before the baby he was drinking on and off and make a big deal of anything. Loosing control and verbally abused me.. Now that I am at home, he is becoming worst.. I just need that push, that hand to walk away. I need to for my son. and me. The funny part is, my husband looses control, verbally abuse when he drinks, or maybe when he is few days without drinking, and later he acts like nothing has happened.. living money on the table, calling me many times. Telling me he loves his family. I am afraid.. This is why I cannot sleep with him.. I rather hide in my sons room and ignore if he is coming drunk to not deal with another night like it.

cecilia , May 15, 2010

help for all

i can identify with everyone here.

juliej7 , May 31, 2010

offering my story and help..

i am a life long attractor and acceptor of abusive men. i am a professional artist, tall, slim, considered attractive--no one would ever look at me and think i do this but i have had repeatedly damming and increasing abusive relationships--not with just one man--but with the same type over and over and over. i have spent a long time trying to figure out why and trying to stop. there are some glitches in my processing: i do not let many men in, am not even attracted to most men, so when i find one i am really into, the physical bond is intense and very satisfying. in these early moments, the rush of dopamine from the love/sex is intense; i equate it to a first time high with a serious drug. i never, ever get this feeling by dating a good guy, a nice guy or a respectful guy. there is a part of me that craves the intense emotional and physical bond that happens with these men. so that is what i try to illuminate in myself. i get addicted to their bodies and read their response to mine as the only clear and real way they feel. it is in the sexual relationship that i often see them vulnerable and how much they need me. and i often 'forget' what they just did or do as it being 'not really who they are'. if i devalue it or put it into context logically, i am trying to tell myself that since i understand it, what thye do shouldnt hurt. but it does hurt. and it destroys me. just because you can understand something, doesnt make it less hurtful.

juliej7 , May 31, 2010

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so the dynamic is that the abusive man is a broken man: they need us the way we 'love' and need them. they cannot--for whatever reason--sustain the vulnerabilty required for love. to compensate for this, they hone tactics to systematically weaken and strip their partner of vital elements of life force. they may even be so unconscious in the way their perceptions work that they feel anger toward her or 'blame' her for making them feel vulnerable--or feel anything--in the first place. they often are crippled if you leave so they cripple you so you can't. the hardest part conceptually for me to 'get' is that i am caught up in the memory, the feeling of the highs of this man..the love he once showed me, the hope i soared to as i attached to him. i know he is capable of it, so its up to me to figure out how to get him to give it again, or be good enough to deserve it again.im further kept prisioner because i want to beleive i am a good judge of character. surely i would not have intentionlly picked someone who'd hurt me right? its easier to blame myself for his outbursts of anger (i should have known better than to do/say..fill in)--to try to mold myself to keep him stable--than it is to hold him accountable. i am only able to hold him accountable if i stand in the full light of truth: THIS MAN WILL HURT ME. HE will maim me inside and out. he will take me as close to death as ive ever been. he is broken and so weak in himself that he has projected his hate onto me. he's folded me into his psyche and does not see me as seperate from him--anything 'me' is a threat to him he will crush. the moments in memory i try to recreate, to manipulate back into existance, are gone. its very sad but there is not anything i can do, now or then, to make it happen. I can not try to be perfect enough, or mirror him so he will not strik out. the conditions that allowed the initial good to happen are gone. the memory of how he was, the man i love, miss, the easy way he smiled, the way he held me, made my body feel, the intimate special things i had never done with another..they vanished when he became vulnerable. this man, the one before me right now, is sick. he projected an image of who he knew he had to be in order to lure me in. i fell in love with his illusion. it was a beautiful dream. and because i was in that dream, i made at least some of the beauty of that drem happen. so when i leave, i take that part of me with myself. and i hope i can make a better choice. i am not dealing with a relationship or even with the man i love, i am dealing with his sickness. i can feel beautiful again. it is because i am capable of such great love that i stayed and tried to understand him, tried to figure it out. those are good qualities in me. applied in the right situation, i am a great woman. it is a compliment to me, to the power of the girl i am, that this broken man i loved has finally cracked because he could not love another person. and our relationship--and the emotional risks of loving another--bumped him up under that fact--and this is why he became abusive to me. he did not become abusive because of my negatives, but because i gave him so much.

this is the way i have to see it, to find strength, to leave, to understand my worth inside something that made me feel so worthless. i have been free of the latest one for over a year now. it is hard but i am here.

juliej7 , May 31, 2010

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abusive men are primal in their instinct. they read our energy, know where to make effective blows and work us without even our knowledge of it. if we are looking at ourselves, trying to figure out how to fix it, he is eyeing us and knowing exactly what ways will keep us scrambled and the focus off his weaknesses. i am a recovering addict of abusive relationships. beginning with my father--who had a speical blend of either being vulnerable and desperatly needing me to becoming enraged ovr the slighest thing and then me needing protection from me. i fall in love with a man who i see as beautiful and vulnerable. i want to protect him--serve him and love him like no other. i adore his details and fuss over him. he flips from being vulnerable and needing me to me needing protection from him. i find these patterns in all types of men, but they are always vulnerable in some way and need my understanding: loss of job, alcohol, bad family, depression...something that plays on my naural care taking that is part of who i am. sometimes just being aware of the underlying drives of why we stay or why we ignore the signs can help to make a shift so we stop, so we catch ourselves. but its never NOT painful to stop. it hurts to stay. it hurts to leave. and its us giving up our control with this man that makes it also hard to leave: if i leave him, he will get another girl. (he even tells us he will) she will get his hands and his body and he'll give to her what i've been suffering for all this time, trying to get another crumb of. but go further: yes. he will get another girl. and guess what..she will get his hook and his abuse. just like you. she may even get some of what he still has left for you: more hurt and hate. we have our own control issues to work through here. and on top of it, we have been mentally belittled and humilated systemically on the inside. we can be made ptsd patients and stockholm patients and cult followers very easily. a great book i keep with me at all times as almost a bible is patricia evans: the verbally abusive relationship. it is a masterpeice for someone like me. it detailed all the hidden tricks and gives actual conversational dialouge that abusive men say as control tactics. its breaks down this unseen posion in precise incrments. thanks for listening. strength to all here.

juliej7 , May 31, 2010