Relationships in which one individual is depressed are nine times more likely to divorce. Wow, the normal divorce rate is already over 60% nationally! But, it's not always a spouse who is depressed, sometimes it is a child or an extended family member.

In this article, however, we'll be focusing on depressed partners. Most people agree that marriage should be 50/50. We all know this is an ideal, and, with the ebb-and-flow of marriage, the percentages slide up and down but should do so in both directions. For instance, one week the wife gives 70% and the husband 30% and another week the husband give 80% and the wife 20%. This is the way "ideal" marriages work.

Unfortunately, this is not the case when chronic depression enters the marriage. Let's say that the husband has chronic depression. The wife may pick up many of the tasks that would customarily fall to the husband. Depending on how long this goes on, an avalanche of negative momentum begins.

The longer this process goes on, the more the wife begins to feel resentful, hence, there is less compassion for the one struggling with depression. Yet, for the wife, it's like being a single mother while married. I've been told by many spouses that it would be easier to be a single parent than to live with a spouse struggling with depression, because it's like having a special-needs child in addition to all the other responsibilities.

I do not make any of these remarks to assign blame or heighten anyones sense of being victimized. It's very important to understand that EVERYONE suffers when depression attacks a loved one. Blame only functions to create animosity and distance between two loved ones.

Sometimes the spouse of a depressed partner becomes depressed as a result of living within a "depressed lifestyle" for too long. Depression is said to be contagious and can become a shroud over the spouse or family. It's also vital to consider that depression may not only be genetic, but it can also be taught. You heard me right. For instance, our children's most powerful classroom is the home. Both "Nature and Nurture" contribute to depression.

Depression works its way into your moods, attitudes, behaviors, tone of voice, posture, life outlook, personal hygiene, work ethic, spiritual beliefs and so on. If you live in a "depression atmosphere" you are constantly modeling and teaching how to be depressed. I hope this serves as inspiration for change, not shame. Shame only feeds the power of depression.

The first step in a plan of action is to know that it is actually depression that you're dealing with. I won't go into those details here. You can find those answers at the website listed in my biography below.

Naming and accepting the problem is half the battle, for BOTH spouses. Why? Well, when folks are depressed, there is no obvious scientific evidence to prove it. And yet people have an instinctive need to what is causing such pain. The depressed person may project their negative feelings onto those closest to them, i.e. a spouse, a boss, the children, the neighbors etc. If you're married to a depressed person, at times you may question your own sanity.

You might blame external sources for your spouse's suffering. Without understanding, you might attack your spouse, assuming they do not care or are lazy. What appears to be marital problems, may, in fact, be depression. But certainly marital problems can develop over time when depression goes untreated.

Another important fact to point out is that men and women experience depression differently and each will respond differently when their spouse is depressed. This requires two separate articles just to begin to respectively cover gender issues involved in depression.

Here's what to do. First and foremost, realize that depression is the foe, not your spouse. Developing a "we" instead of an "I" approach to depression treatment is vital. A good recovery motto might be best summed up from the cartoon, Bob the Builder: "Can WE do it? Yes WE can!"

Do everything you can to learn about depression. Seek professional advice. If depression has been present for a long time, both the relationship and the depression will require attention.

Have individual and marital recovery plans. It's the surest way to give depression the one-two punch that can knock it out of your lives. Write your recovery plans down and spend time reviewing, modifying and noting progress made.

Once depression is stabilized, create a list of "red flag" symptoms. This serves as your safety net. If these symptoms recur it would indicate that prompt attention is required. Then list solutions you each are willing to act on if you notice symptoms reappearing. Commit to this in writing and each of you sign it.

Create external support systems. Note that I did not say external griping sessions. There's a major difference between griping and purging. The former only feeds righteous resentment, and deepens the depression problem overall, and the latter helps clean you out.

Support pillars can be comprised of friends, colleagues, churches, support groups and any place you decide is safe to disclose to. Do not hide your dirty laundry in the closet, so-to-speak. Depression loves to isolate individuals, marriages and entire families. It's one of the primary ways it grows strong.

Do recovery activities together. Attend therapy or psychiatry sessions together. Participate in online counseling together. Read a depression recovery book together. Exercise together, pray together or keep a mood log together. If your children are at the appropriate age, educate them about chronic depression. There are good childrens books on chronic parent illness.

Most importantly, develop the "WE!" It's you and your spouse against this powerful depression foe. Together you can do this!

Best recovery wishes and always let me know if I can be of any help.

Dave Turo-Shields, ACSW, LCSW is an author, university faculty member, success coach and veteran psychotherapist whose passion is guiding others to their own success in life. For weekly doses of the webs HOTTEST success tips, sign up for Dave's powerful "Feeling Great!" ezine at http://www.Overcoming-Depression.com

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This is great information, however you haven't mentioned what a spouse can do if their significant other (who is depressed) refuses to talk about it, take medication, see their doctor or seek counseling. As you said, isolation is a symptom which causes more depression leading to even more isolation. How do you stop this vicious circle?

jagarver08 , March 10, 2009

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hi, I have a same problem. My partner avoids contact and talking about it and also keeps isolating himself. Have you tried the 'we' approach? I am going to try but not sure it will get me anywhere.
x

j , May 04, 2009

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my partner suffers from depression and it is incredibly difficult..he has little enthusiasm for anything and constantly reminds me of his terrible world...something i could never understand according to him...he can be a wonderful man but i am struggling...i need to feel positive about our family and am desperate for him to recognize there is good in the world

alex , May 09, 2009

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I suffer from depression and have often tried to discuss it with my husband. He has always said how difficult it is to try and understand and that he has no idea how to deal with me in my times of need. We have been married for 10 years and now, for the first time, has he actually told me how it has affected him over the year and is not sure if he wants to stay married - what can we do??

Tracy , May 14, 2009

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thank you!

Thank you thank you - I was about 10 minutes away from grabbing my pillow and moving out to the camper (our only other bed), I was fed up, on my last straw, having given too much. I finally pulled out google and this popped up. just your outline for a plan is hopeful. Just seeing that someone else is going through this makes me not feel so alone.

Holly , May 17, 2009

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I DONT KNOW ANYMORE...

HI IM MARRIED, 7 YEARS, I HAVE A GREAT HUSBAND, HARD WORKING, A GREAT DAD, HES THE BEST! BUT I HAVE THESE ISSUES!! I GET ANGRY OVER THE SMALLEST THINGS, I DONT EVEN KNOW IT JUST HAPPENS...I WAKE UP ANGRY SOME DAYS IT SEEMS. I KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT....IM NOT REALLY SAD, BUT I AM CONSTANTLY TELLING MY HUSBAND I FEEL LIKE HE DOESNT LOVE ME, AND HES JUST HERE FOR OUR 4 KIDS. MY ANGER FOR MY KIDS IS AWFUL WHEN THEY ARENT BEHAVING OR THINGS GET OUT OF HAND I FEEL LIKE I CANT BREATHE AND I GET ANGRY AND CRY! MY KIDS THINK THIS IS NORMAL THAT SOMETIMES MOMMIES CRY BUT I DONT WANT THEM EVEN THINK ANYTHING IS WRONG WITH ME! I NEED TO STRESS THE FACT THAT I AM NOT A SAD PERSON!!! I LOVE MY MARRIAGE, I LOVE MY KIDS, I LOVE MY LIFE, WERE A NORMAL HAPPY FAMILY AND DO NORMAL FAMILY THINGS....BUT BEHIND CLOSED DOORS I HAVE A PROBLEM THAT I DONT UNDERSTAND.

JENNIFER ELDRIDGE , June 04, 2009

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Depression or Reality?

I was the partner of a clinically depressed woman for over 4.5 years. I did everything that I was supposed to do as a partner. I was supportive, learned everything I needed to learn about the illness, have my own therapist and helped her through a hospitalization.
She DOES bring up that she doesn't have feelings for me as a woman "in love" but more as a friend. She also does not usually have relationships with women and I am her first. I knew I was taking a chance. At first I told myself "maybe this is her depression speaking?" But....the reality was different. She refused to make a commitment to me, to live together even after 4.5 years of "dating", and to be in a REAL relationship.
So, depression or not...the REALITY of the situation was that I was still "Dating" someone on weekends for 4.5 years. No progress. No moving forward. And any temporary attempts to live together ended in chaos quite quickly. I could do no right by her.
I left. Not because a lack of love. But because, depressed or not....we all DESERVE to be loved back. Whether it was her depression speaking or not, I was still not committed to, not properly loved, and not moving forward in the relationship.
Trust me. I did all I could. In the process, I ended up getting depressed too.

elaine , June 10, 2009

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He has had depression for most of his life...

... and now he has left me because he cannot cope with the normal demands of a relationship.
He is a wonderful man with lots of loveable qualities, but his depression makes him unable to cope with things other people would find prefectly normal. We were together 5 years and he wouldn't move in with me because he was too scared of moving out of his comfort zone.
I never wanted to be nagging, and never put any demands on him. I let him take his time, take small steps. But eventually I realised he wasn't even taking "small steps", he was taking no steps at all. So I told him how much I would like him to move in with me, and how I would like us to do new, fun things together once in a while. I wanted us to reach a compromise, to meet in the middle. I wanted him to attempt to make whatever small steps he felt willing and ready to take.
His response was to leave me. After five years. I still love him and think he is a wonderful man, but even if he told me he wants to get back with me, I would ask him to get professional help first (because he needs it and refuses to). If we just got back together without him taclking his issues, the relationship would stagnate the way it had been for a while, and it would drag me down - it had already started to before he left me.
Don't get me wrong. I love him with all my heart. But I can't do this anymore. So in a sense I am relieved. However, at the same time I am heartbroken that we couldn't make things work.

VG , June 22, 2009

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Need help

Okay so my girlfriend is clinically depressed and is recieving help but it seems like it just isn't working. We have been together for a year, we intend to get married when we get out of school but sometimes there is just no reasoning with her and she won't talk to me sometimes and nothing helps her. She tells me periotocally after her breakdowns that she has considered breaking up and commuting suicide, and that just breaks my heart to hear because I love this woman and I couldn't bare to lose her. I need help dealing with her when she is having a mental breakdown to douse these suicidal thoughts

Joe , July 06, 2009

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Reading all these comments is a really helpful to know others are struggling with the same thing I am. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and recently he has not been acting like himself at all and shows all the signs of someone who us depressed. At first I thought he stopes caring about me and never wanted to take me our and was always making excuses but after learning and ynderstandind depression I realize it has taken over his entire being. The thing is when I confront him he is in complete denial I love him too much to let him go but I know the first step is admitting he has a problem so how do I show him he is depressed?

Kate , July 16, 2009

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The male sufers too!!

Living with a partner who suffers depression is harder than i could ever imagine it could be, some days great some are good and then theres hell, without a warning. I'm worried about our 1 year old, i think she's starting to see it all. What do i do now? If i leave with our baby i'm really not sure what she'll do to herself, but if i stay...then what?

Leigh , July 30, 2009

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Hi, I have been married for 10 years and have 2 beautiful children with my best friend, my husband. Over the last 2 years I have noticed that my very positive, caring husband has been feeling less motivated and showing less drive for life. He has a very high powered job which requires a lot of hours away from home. He absolutely adores his children and I thought me too, until recently. We have always been close and have shared a great life. We laugh, we cry and we parent well together. He is the stronger 1 in our relationship emotionally than I, so I thought, as over the last 5 months he has withdrawn from me and told me that he doesnt know if he wants to be with me anymore. He has totally moved away from me emotionally and physically. We had a great sex life and enjoyed a fantastic family life together. I dont know what has happened??!! I feel he has depression and I have tried to bring this up with him but he does nothing about it. I dont know what to do, as I feel depreesed that my life has taken such a drastic turn down a road that I dont know how to navigate!!!

Nena , August 25, 2009

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I Dont get it

I have lived with my husband for 8 years...he is a wonderful man, but he has his ups and downs. He suffers from anxiety and depression... and the way how he works is like this: One saturday we will have a blast laughing and dancing and the next day he'll sudently shut down...and he'll become depress ...then he may tell me that he doesnt feel real love for me...and he doesnt know what he wants from life...he says he doesnt know what is his puporse in life...etc..
I tried to look for proffesional help, but he refuse to go...I am about to believe that he doesnt really love me and I should move forward with my life

Gabriela , September 15, 2009

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My husband has depression, but it's driving me crazy.

First, we've been married over 30 yrs now. I love him dearly, but I can't stand him alot of the time. ;o( Until the past few months he's never gotten any real help with it. He is on meds now, but I don't think they help but so much. Not sure they help any.

He is on unemployment and deals with age discrimination, (he's 61) He has other health problems that don't help. The dr's now want to help him go for disability, based not solely on depression, but a combinations of issues.
I'm fine with that.

I am not fine with being overworked pulling the load of 2 people. I can NOT do it all. I work fulltime, bring work home most everynight to make extra to make up for his share. I work on and off all weekend, to keep bills paid.

I LONG for a simpler life. I worked like a dog paying off all our bills, then he loses his job and runs up "His" credit card over $2,500. plus takes 500 of "MY" money to pay for body work for some old crappy truck. (we didn't need)
Looking back I can see where he has made many choices that I now believe were an attempt to "make him happy".
Truck driving school, a very expensive Master's degree, (he never used, never tired to use) but I worked like a dog for over 15 yrs paying for the darn thing.

Now he sits around watching tv, sleeps half the day, lays halfway across the bed... sitting on the edge of the bed, which only leads to a damaged mattress....sagging..and I"LL HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO WORK MORE TO BUY ANOTHER ONE...

I've had back surgery,..A serious auto accident 10 yrs ago left me with fibromyalgia... which is better than it was in the beginnig...

ALL I want him to do it HELP at home. IF I work day and night... I don't need to be the one to come home and do every single thing that needs to be done.

He will put stuff in the dishwasher most of the time... and He will fold up clothing and put it away sometimes... (wonderful) BUT I need help vaccuming some... Vaccuming just kills my back. I have all hardwood floors now and a little "easy light weight" vac that works great... BUT he never wipes his feet... so he should do that some. BUT he don't.
My husband never never lied to me. I know he loves me...BUT he lies about vaccuming.. he's come right out and say...I did vaccum..and HES LYING cause the evidence is so darn visable. he did nothing again.

he grumbles so much... he gives nasty looks, and swears he don't.

I've thought of leaving so many times the past few yrs.. but I Love him..and I know it would just kill him. I can't do that. He's Mr Sincere and Mr Loyal when it comes to our marriage and loving me.
BUT I can't stand it either.

I get so mad... but hold it in... not to hurt him...and some day I'm going to explode big time.

It would be easier do go it alone. We never had children together...but I WANT HIM...

it's maddening

onefineseamstres , October 10, 2009

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My husband has been clinically depressed for over 25 years. We have been married for 15 of those. I can relate so much to everything said here. Sometimes I do feel like I am crazy. I definitely think I am living in a depressed household and my children are showing signs of it. For years I have embraced the "don't rock the boat" theory - don't upset him, tiptoe around, clean up the emotional messes he makes, run interference with the kids and handle all of the other pressures of everyday life. Now that I am in my early forties, I find myself literally incapable of handling all of this pressure and growing more and more resentful towards my husband - who by the way is a fantastic human being who I am still madly in love with but MAN am I angry at this depression and his willingness to let it eat away at our life that has so much more potential than he is able to see. The pity parties, the negative self talk, the emotional distance, "the cave" as I call it where he emotionally checks out and hides for awhile, is really getting to me. On top of this he does not want anyone to know anything and for us to appear like the perfect family....this might be fine in the cave but I need an outlet - hence this site. I am holding on and fighting back and praying that one day he will want to help himself - but the bottom line is that he needs to get to that place. I wish he could believe in himself like I believe in him.

MaryLou , October 16, 2009

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suicide

My wife has been clinically depressed since her 14 years old,
i met her on internet for over oe year, she was in love and told me that she was depressed, I had no clou about it at first, I thought that kind of depression of life, of material we dont have, that some time we daubt about ourself...after a year we met in real and we get married, living with her was hard, i felt depressed most of the time, my job was to make her happy, she was so sweet, soo loving the best woman but when i was married to her i was always complaning about dinner, cleaning the house, because she was always sleeping and after time i just walk away and let her sleep and be alone with any support, i was so ungry, i diden't understand her depression. 10 month later coming back from work i found her, she hang herself. now i am reading and trying to anderstand depression and suicide but it is late for me.

so if your loved one are depressed, talk , talk, talk to them, don't judg them, and never say world like what happend to you move on it or they are alot of peapols that they don't have what you have, you just make them not understood.

I deaply regret everything I miss her so much, i miss to hug her, i miss to hug her when she was craying to give her some confort, i wish i can do it again but i can't

maybe i diden't told her how much i care about her, how much i love her, showed her more my affection, i have a pain for her because she die with the feelinghs that no one care about her and everyone will be weel

widow , October 17, 2009

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Don't rock the boat

Mary Lou, I hear you girl. My husband and I dated for two years, married now for 11 years. I was young and completely ignorant of his issues when we married. His chronic depression started about 18 years ago and OCD added to the mix further complicates our lives. I have spent so many years thinking I could fix him. Maybe if I come up with the right things to say, to cook for him or to do for him, I can help him to overcome his problems. I have tried not to "rock the boat." But after 6 months of severe suicidal depression, I am about ready to jump ship! I have made excuses to family, friends, church family and coworkers and most importantly, our son to cover-up our problems. But in the past few months I have been letting everything fly. I have put a stop to the isolation and started telling everyone what we are going through, all about the battles he is facing and I am pushed him to do the same. His moods can be upbeat, slightly energetic, and engaging for three days (this usually happens after I threaten to leave with our son). Then, without warning or cause, his mood will turn negative for several days, with talk of how he will end his life and why he should, that we'd all be better off without him and how he is such a fake and horrible person. He routinely sees a therapist, exercises daily and has tried a number of different medication cocktails. Nothing seems is working. I have prayed until I don't feel like I can pray anymore and my tears have turned from gushing faucets to a slow trickle. When and how will it end?

cbb , October 21, 2009

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I can relate to everything that has been said, but I am tired of just letting it happen to me - shouldn't we demand a change? Take action somehow? Why are we putting up with the hurt and pain that comes iwth someone who one day loves you and the next day shuts you out...often times painfully.

Has anyone taken steps that had a positive impact, or is the journey to just hope that something will change.

Shouldn't we take action? , November 02, 2009

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i need to make her happy again with out her im not myself

i have been seeing this girl that has depression and she doesnt want to be in a relationship with me and it was starting to make me depressed aswell when she left to her friends for a month she cut me off. i told her how i felt which made me feel better, she told me to stop. and said she hated her life. you would think if she went to her friends as a safe guard place she would feel somewhat better when she got back. i need to make her happy it is killing me watching her suffer so thanks for the info and i will try and take your steps.

wouldnt you like to know , November 04, 2009

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my sister is depressed

my sister is 18 years old and she depressed she is depressed she is seeing a therapist but before she was seeing anyone i never noticed her mood changes in 8th grade she started cutting herself and i was horrified i never thought of that or didnt understand how someone would want to cause themselves pain in that manor.She graduated high school and went to a party with some friends after that party she was never the same she was more distant less involved she would want to be alone most of the time my mom and i finally confronted her and she had told us that was raped and i didnt know what to say because i have never been in that situation i felt soo bad for her i was loss at words i was so angry at the personw ho did that to her,she then opened up about her depression and suicide thoughts i never knew she ahd these thoughts and from then on we tried to help her at any cost i threw a party at my house and there was drinking involved she was drinking and she was fine just laughing and joking then all of a sudden it turned and she startd to cry saying she started feeling sad again and thought of sucide i didnt know how to react or what to say to her or how to help her i just tryed to keep her mind off of it.She is now seeing a therapist and though she seems still depressed at times i think the sessions of having someone she can talk to are really helping she seems more involved she actually sleeps at nights im very thankful for this but at times i still worry that one day ill wake up and she will be gone.

joanna , November 11, 2009

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