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Insight from a Schizophrenia Patient with Depression
My Breakdown
Cause and Influence
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First Person Account
Schizophrenia Bulletin, Vol. 21, No. 4, 1995
National Institute of Mental Health

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Abstract

The article that follows is part of the Schizophrenia Bulletin's ongoing First Person Accounts series. We hope that mental health professionals -- the Bulletin's primary audience -- will take this opportunity to learn about the issues and difficulties confronted by consumers of mental health care. In addition, we hope that these accounts will give patients and families a better sense of not being alone in confronting the problems that can be anticipated by persons with serious emotional difficulties. We welcome other contributions from patients, ex-patients, or family members. Our major editorial requirement is that such contributions be clearly written and organized, and that a novel or unique aspect of schizophrenia be described, with special emphasis on points that will be important for professionals. Clinicians who see articulate patients with experiences they believe should be shared, might encourage these patients to submit their articles to First Person Accounts, Division of Clinical and Treatment Research, NIMH, 5600 Fishers Lane, Rm. 18C-06, Rockville, MD 20857. -- The Editors.

Nearly every person I've talked with who has a mental illness can come up with a date that it began. What they really meant was, the date when it got so bad they could no longer function. Around July of 1987 I was doing a lot of self-examination. I became obsessed with the Bible, particularly the book of Revelation. Up to that point I had not really studied much of the Bible. But it seemed as though my life was coming to an end, so what better book to read than Revelation? At that time I was working on an entirely new reality, one with mysticism in it, one with emotional gratification beyond any reasonable comprehension. In fact, I experienced it, but I also experienced terror and hell. This was all due to my illness.

It was during this time of reading the Bible and fasting that I had my first emotional trauma coupled with a hallucination. At the time I thought it was evil. I thought people could transfer themselves, their thoughts and minds, from one body to the next but it was more complex than that. In fact when this transfer occurred you would actually "see" the person from whom the transfer had been taken. For example, you imagine person A transferring his or her mind to person B. Although in "reality" person B is the physical entity before you, person A is the one you actually "see." I could actually see both (hence the hallucination). Deception thus existed because of this mind switch. In reality I was looking at a co-worker and nothing more.

I think it was later in the week when I began to have more serious delusions. I was responsible for loading copies of programs for the online system programmers. This authority was given to one person to consolidate the process and avoid costly errors. It was usually quite stressful on Fridays because the online transfer would happen Thursday night. This meant the freshly changed program might develop problems the following morning, thus requiring a "dynamic load" to change the erroneous copy to a working copy. So one Friday, I imagined that the end of the world was coming and those programmers who wanted their names in "the book of life" (Rev. 20:12) would have to go through me to save their lives, or was it the end of their lives? I didn't know. It was so real. I felt as though I was a demon and a savior, holding the key to all these people's lives, and that the computer was actually determining their fate via every key I punched. I imagined the file cabinets (full of microfiche) were in fact transcripts of every thought and every statement anybody had ever made -- the necessary "goods" by which to judge each individual's salvation. Instead of a merciful judgment, it was a financial enterprise in which corruption pervaded every corner. The "higher-ups" would have the power to manipulate records that would incriminate or discredit them.

I dealt with the concept of killing the people (via the dynamic load process) by denying it was actually happening and being totally unaware of the killing. I was imagining myself a pawn in a giant game of deception against humanity. I lived all this as if it were reality. It was terrifying. However, now I know this was all due to my then undiagnosed mental disorder.

Back then my delusions caused tearfulness at times and consequently my boss suggested I see a psychiatrist. I did go and see one, but I was too sick by then to be able to realize all this was in my imagination. I was certain the therapist did not have my best interest in mind and in fact considered him a part of the corrupt system of knowledge/judgment that I referred to earlier. Trusting your therapist is essential in getting on the road to mental health.

Disorders - Schizophrenia